Hollow Eyes
by Meroko
Summary: Asuka rarely expresses her true feelings. I've always wondered how she might think about her life and finally decided to write it down.


Hollow Eyes  
  
  
~*~I...I'm confused...why did you fly away when I am still here looking up at the sky?~*~  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or any of its characters.  
  
  
AN://This is from Asuka's POV. Out of all the characters I can relate to her past the most. So here it is...  
  
  
You flew away mommy.   
  
Left your shell and flew to the sky. I saw you…or the shell that was left by you.   
  
There it was.   
  
Staring at me.   
  
Calling for me.   
  
Did it want me?   
  
Did it want me to become like it?   
  
Did you want me to go with you?   
  
Why?   
  
Why would you do this mommy?   
  
Fly away?   
  
Fly away leaving me here.   
  
In this shattered world full of hate and fear.   
  
You are soaring aren't you?   
  
Away from the pain?   
  
Are you?   
  
Are you?!   
  
Answer me damnit!  
  
Answer me!   
  
Look what you made me do...  
  
I'm crying...why...no…stop...I cant cry...I don't cry...I don't...I wont...no, I'm stronger than this...Stop it!   
  
Why!?   
  
Why?   
  
Won't the tears stop!?   
  
They won't leave me alone...why?  
  
Even though you flew away...you still haunt me.   
  
Your laugh, smile, warmth and love...  
  
Yes...I loved you so much. You were the only one I loved.   
  
Why did you leave me?   
  
I...I'm confused...why did you fly away when I am still here looking up at the sky?   
  
No...   
  
What am I doing...  
  
This is stupid…  
  
I don't need you...no, I'm alive...I'm alive.   
  
I don't need you…no...no...  
  
The tears...no....I'm confused...so many questions...so many questions...why don't they have any answers!???!   
  
WHY!??!   
  
None of them have answers!!!   
  
God...  
  
I'm crying again...stop it…stop making me cry...I don't want to think about you...you make me sad...vulnerable...no...no I cant be like this.   
  
I must be strong…  
  
I have to be...I have no one left for me mommy...only me...  
  
Only me to rely on...  
  
I love you so much mommy...yes...I still do...  
  
Forever...but I'm still so...confused....  
  
I wake up at night...screaming...shaking...scared...constantly waking up...  
  
I cant sleep...no...I'm afraid to sleep…cause I'll think of you...  
  
Cry for you...do you cry for me?   
  
I don't want to cry...I can't cry...but why wont the tears stop?   
  
No...I...I have to be strong.   
  
No matter what I will succeed!   
  
I have to!   
  
I'll show them.   
  
I'll show everyone.   
  
They'll regret hurting Asuka Langley Sorhyu!!!!   
  
They'll regret it!!!  
  
I'll make them! But for now...I just feel so empty...dark...why have the lights gone out?   
  
People…people think I'm cold hearted...maybe I am?   
  
I'm not ashamed...  
  
I accept who I've become.   
  
I have to.   
  
Nobody else will.  
  
They think I didn't care when you flew away mommy.   
  
They think it didn't affect me.   
  
But...it affected me the most out of everyone.   
  
People are so selfish...they cant get over themselves.   
  
It always me, me, me!   
  
They have to comfort themselves and have others comfort them.   
  
Weak...Weak!   
  
No one comforted me!   
  
No…they called me cold and looked down on me.   
  
What did I do?   
  
I kept my calm cool mask.   
  
How could they?   
  
How could they know I came so close to loosing it so many times?   
  
That can't happen.   
  
They can't see my weakness.   
  
No....  
  
I hid it well didn't I mommy?   
  
Are you proud of me?   
  
I hid me pain, fear, confusion, hurt and Anger!   
  
All under, this simple mask.   
  
Just goes to show how selfish people are.   
  
Always seeking their own comfort...not looking past others enough to realize theirs...  
  
I don't want to be...  
  
I don't want to be the same species as them...  
  
It makes me sick....  
  
I hate people...you cant trust them....you can trust anybody but yourself.   
  
Did you see me mommy?   
  
When I cried myself to sleep?   
  
Or when I woke up constantly at night or broke down when no one was around?   
  
Did you see the days I went without sleep and hear my shouts in my nightmares?   
  
Did you hear my cry and cry out in anguish when I just couldn't take it?   
  
Are you sad? Sad I can only break down when alone?   
  
Well I'm not mommy...  
  
I'm me...  
  
I turned into who I am from the things and actions that are my life...  
  
I am me...Asuka.   
  
That's all I ever will be.  
  
I'm starting to forget you mommy...  
  
Will you forget me?   
  
I'm scared...but remember one thing mommy...no matter what remember...know...that I love you...  
  
I just hope...you still love me...this shell of who I was...am...will you recognize  
  
these...  
  
Hollow eyes?  
  
  
  
  



End file.
